On a recent sunny Saturday I was riding home on my bike from a couple of errands and spotted a yard sale.  Because I enjoy browsing at such sales, I stopped and began to inspect the merchandise.  After a few minutes I became aware that a car had pulled up across the street.  A man got out and began arguing with the woman hosting the sale, yelling that she was selling household items that belonged to him.  She explained to us customers that this was her ex- husband.
He: “That stuff you’re selling is mine!”
She: “No it isn’t!  You’re harassing me!”
He: “It is mine! I’m not harassing you, I just want my property!”
She: “You turned it over to me when you left.  If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police!”
Minutes later, after more angry words and his refusal to leave, she pulled out her cell phone and called the police, giving his height, weight and description and claiming harassment.  The couple’s young daughter, about seven years old, was present and witnessed this explosive scene of her parents arguing in public.
What’s to be done about anger out of control?  Ideally the police should not have to settle domestic disputes; it would be much more preferable would be for the individuals  o be able to communicate calmly with each other.  If conflicts are not addressed as they arise, however,the situation may escalate until resolution without someone to mediate is impossible.  Or worse, the anger may lead to violence.
In The Practical Peacemaker, a chapter on anger gives practical suggestions for  transforming it in a positive way.  These are skills that, unless we learn them by observation in our family growing up, never really get taught.  The summary of guidelines is to 1) bring up the topic of conflict when you are calm and the other person is receptive, 2) activate your compassion, 3) make an effort to hear and understand the other person’s side of the story, 4) speak in sentences that begin with “I” instead of “you,” and 5) leave the other person’s past behavior out of the discussion.  All these points are explained and elaborated on in the book.
If we can learn to communicate clearly by developing and practicing such skills, hostile encounters such as I witnessed could be avoided and everyone, especially vulnerable children, would be happier.